it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
