I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
