Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
