is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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