You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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