Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
