I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
