But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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