i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
