tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
