Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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