shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
