Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
