Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
