What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
