I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
