I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
