So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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