Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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