Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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