Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
