i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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