Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
We're too hungover to prance.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
