she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
