my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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