You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
