i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
