OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I can't trust your balls anymore.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
