Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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