Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
