she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
