Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
