between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
