you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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