he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
