I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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