Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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