i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
