Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
