I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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