i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
it hurts more in the daytime
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
