Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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