U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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