Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
