Acid is not a monday night drug
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
she told me i tasted like america
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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