I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
