im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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