I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
It's rum buckets o'clock
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
