haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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