Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
