Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Ladies don't puke and tell
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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