I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Found the puke drawer
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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