Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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