In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
