woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
